My Brand New Niece!

Here's Alipuddin' puckering up to plant his new sweet cousin a hearty welcome-to-this-world kiss on the cheek!

My younger sister just gave birth to her first-born daughter, Umairah on the 5th of February 2009.

The happy mother and daughter pair are now cosily ensconced in our family home for the traditional 40-day confinement period.

The rest of us are on standby to give her the support that she needs during this time of healing and adjustment.

Ali, you have to act like a big boy now that you're no longer the baby in the family!

The Muslim Woman as Queen

“The wife is responsible for taking care of the home of her husband, and she will be accountable for those given in her charge.” (Bukhari, Muslim)

A woman holds great powers in her hands.

Her powers are God-given, for Allah has placed His trust in the gentle hands of a woman. She is commanded to establish a home of warmth and security for her children, and a haven of comfort and joy for her husband. Her role is sacred, and her influence wide; it is in her hands that she is raising God's little soldiers and handmaidens.

A woman in Islam knows how to wield her powers wisely. She constantly refuels her mind with wisdom and knowledge and replenishes her soul with words from the Holy Qur’an.

She is answerable to her Rabb only, thus all her deeds and duties proceed from her love and fear of Him. Even if the sputter of the car would mean another visit to the workshop, she trusts that Allah never burdens His servants more than they can bear. For her source of comfort is constant and abiding, in that she has Him to turn to for divine assistance.

She feels blessed for Allah has given her a sheltered position, to thrive in the security of her home, protected from the needs to earn a living: “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because God has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means.” (Surah Nisa’ 4: 34)

Although she may supplement her husband’s income through her own means, it never crosses her mind to usurp a role that rightfully belongs to her husband. Unencumbered from the weight of having to support herself, she roams her Kingdom freely with the independence and pride of a Queen whose duty is to use the powers bestowed upon her to make her kingdom a reflection of God’s order and perfection.

She starts her day with the Morning Prayer and offers supplications to her Rabb. She drapes herself with the clothe of modesty and virtue, and welcomes the day ahead with hope and joy. She keeps the home fires burning by attending to the spiritual, emotional and physical needs of those in her charge. Wiping a runny nose here, changing a dirty diaper there, her faith in the words of Allah inspires her to forge on and give only the best to her family: “Whoever works righteousness, man or women, and has Faith, verily to him will We give a new Life that is good and pure and We will bestow on such their reward according to the best of their actions.” (Surah Nahl 16:97).

It does not matter that the dirty dishes are piling up in the sink, what is important is that her home is a welcoming shelter for her husband because she appreciates how hard it is having to go out into the world come rain or shine in an effort to provide adequately for the family. She has successfully carved herself a niche in her husband's heart through the daily love and affection that she showers upon him. And in return, he is willing to spread his heart and soul across her feet to make her feel loved and cherished. Truly this is what Allah meant when He referred to the celestial love between a husband and wife “… And He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): Verily in that are signs for those who reflect.” (Surah Rum 30:21)

As husband and wife, they are an equal, but their roles are not identical. The husband sets the tone of leadership in the family, while the wife upholds his rules. However his role is greatly reliant upon her to make sure the family is guided correctly, according to the values of Islam. It is her duty to speak up wisely if he digresses from the true path. Mutual respect and regard for their complementary contributions greatly reduces friction in the family. They are a team, and if divided, the insidious influences of the world outside will slowly but surely spread their evil from within.

Allah has bestowed upon the woman with characteristics that set her apart from man. Her patience and sensitivity makes her attuned to the needs of her children. She cares that her children eats nutritiously, rests comfortably, dresses modestly and speaks politely. Neither nursery nor nannies can provide the moral direction, devotion, and enough patience to instill character and goodness in the children better than the mother.

Her children are taught to appreciate the greater good in doing things of lasting value instead of squandering their time on temporal pleasures; she teaches them to set a worthy goal, and the importance of working hard to reach its end. She protects her children from the glittering allure of this fleeting world by insulating their hearts with wisdom from the sunnah and the Qur'an.

Though her children still clings to her skirt, she does believe in propagating Islam with the rest of the Ummah. Perhaps time and energy prevents her from giving herself completely to the cause now, when her children will only remain children in the blink of an eye. But she understands that the greatest contribution a woman can offer to the Ummah is by wielding her powers of influence to those who are nearest and dearest to her heart. Her work at home is of eternal value. It is in the glory of Allah that her crown of jewels lies, not in the applause nor the tantalizingly heaped up hoards of riches offered by this secular world.

Today as she gazes down at the adorable, imploring faces of her small children begging for her love and attention, she feels satisfied in knowing that she has made the best use of her role as Queen to prepare herself for the day when she will be “accountable for those given in her charge”.

“Indeed, to God belongs the dominion of the heavens, and the earth;
and to God is the final goal (of all).” (Surah Nur 24 :42)

'Snapshots' for the Baby Scrapbook

I may moan about the endless rounds of nursing and childcare. But truth be told I am desperately clutching onto these fleeting moments which I know will be over all too soon.

Eventually all I will be left with are fragments of memories to savour during my time alone while my son blazes on towards his own future. He will no longer turn to me for his source of comfort and nourishment, instead he'll be running out the door to pursue his own dreams and ambitions. While I undoubtedly look forward to see him grow into an independent young man, a part of me is already mourning for his dimpled innocence.

And these are just some of the moments that I want to capture and emblazon into the scrapbook of my memory...

The look of eagerness and delight on his face just before he chows down for milk.

The look of peace that descends on him as he drifts off into slumberland.

The swirl of baby soft curls on his pretty head.

His lips ripe and moist as he continues to suckle away in his sleep.

No matter how difficult the day had been with Alipuddin', I can always count on the night to hush in and eventually bring sleep to my precious baby.

I am eternally grateful to Allah for sending a taste of His Mercy into our humbled lives. Alhamdulillah.

Joy in the Present Moment

It's been a week since I decided to spend some time with my baby boy- and joy of joys, he is thriving once more! I took him to the park and let him play in the sand, I let him loose in the children's library while I sat nearby with an unopened book, and on days when I don't feel like going in the car, I took him out on a stroll around the neighbourhood block. I went out more for his sake rather than mine; if it were up to me I'd rather hole myself with a good book or surf on the Internet.

I tend to live in my head a lot. It wasn't a problem when I'd only myself to think about. My husband certainly doesn't need me to keep him entertained all day (more likely he's the one who has to keep me happy). But having a baby changes everything. It meant having to integrate this little person with big needs into my lone ranger lifestyle, a transition which has not been quite so easy.

Alhamdulillah, the Almighty recognises my need to grow and sent me this little person to develop parts of me which lies dormant. It forces me to crack open my cerebral shell and find joy in the present moment. Dr. Sears, a pediatric expert and author of 'The Baby Book' assures me that children and their play remind us that “life is at its best when we take time to relax, use our imagination, and just have fun.”

And indeed, it is fun to forget about myself for a moment and spend time with my baby. To share his delight as he bangs away on the pots and pans oblivious to the ear-splitting noise he is making, or to see the earnestness on his face as he attempts to sweep the floor with a brush and dustpan, all these joy-filled moments are mine for the taking if only I choose to surrender my own needs and expectations.

Playing and spending time with our children may not be intellectually stimulating. But it is important as we're building a connection. We reap the rewards in the form of trust, discipline, and self-esteem as they get older, Insha'Allah. "You're letting your child know that you care about her and her world,” says Dr. Sears. “All of these factors contribute to your child's developing sense of competence and confidence.”

A while back when I was occupied with getting things done around the house, poor Alipuddin' seems to have lost interest in food. I should have known something was off when even nursing holds no favour for my breast-milk guzzling baby. Ali was essentially trying to tell me that he needed me, but I was too busy with my own to-do list to notice. While I got a lot done in the house, my poor son was hungry for my love and attention.

Alhamdulillah for this change of perspective. I am happy to report that more often than not, my days are blurring from one blissful moment to the next. Although hard days are inevitable, especially the past couple of days when he had a slight fever and thus would cling to me like velcro, it is less of a struggle now that I decide to step out of my head for my baby and live in the here and now so I may profit in the Hereafter.

I am always reminded of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) who never fails to show kindness and compassion to children. Without a doubt he is the best example on how we should treat our children.

The Way of Motherhood

It all began when my baby's incessant demands left me bone weary, to the point that even my ever-patient mother was on the verge of throwing in the towel. Bewildered over my son's apparently 'bad behaviour', I couldn't make head nor tails regarding his growing dependence upon us. After all, he's already hit is one year mark and so to my reasoning he should become more independent by now. Unbidden, images of 'spoiling him' started to haunt me and I began to doubt the attachment parenting mode I have adopted ever since I gave birth to Ali. It didn't help that DH made a cutting I-told-you-so remark about how I should have left Ali to cry it out instead of instantly going to him at the first sign of a whimper.

Feeling helpless, I reached for one of those baby training books I've tried to resist the past year. While I cannot agree to all that she suggests, Gina Ford does have a valid point. In her book 'The Contented Toddler', she writes, "Once they pass their first birthday and enter toddlerhood, the majority of babies become more demanding and need much more attention. Although they are striving towards independence physically, mentally and emotionally they go through a stage where they need a lot more reassurance and attention." It makes a lot of sense to me. My baby is torn between staying inside the comfort and safety zone of his mother and the insatiable desire to explore the adventures of the world unknown. Poor baby! Ambivalence is an emotional state very familiar to me. One example is of me being a parent. In all honesty, I love being a parent but on the other hand I miss the freedom of being footloose and fancy free, unencumbered with the responsibilities that motherhood entails.

But any semblance of ambivalence Alipuddin' feels towards his independence is thrown out of the window the moment he is taken out on a trip with us. His whole demeanour lights up like a blossoming chrysanthemum the moment we head out of doors. More than once I would see him crawl up to strangers in bookstores, flashing his dimpled smiles at them. It is not uncommon to see one beleaguered parent (me) chasing after a toddler in the children's section of a bookstore! It has to be said that Ali is most at home among crowds of people. During a gathering at a friend's place a couple of days ago, Ali could not resist crawling into the lap of an unsuspecting guest! Masha'Allah! Maybe he is just blessed with such an open and friendly temperament but I'd also like to believe that it is our approach to parenting which has nurtured his sense of trust in the people around him.

As Alipuddin' hurtles headlong into the realm of toddlerhood, it began to dawn on me that I cannot simply put him down on the floor and expect him to happily occupy himself with the few toys and knick knacks tossed along his way. It just doesn't work that way with him. Taking a cue from the book, I decided to incorporate some sort of structure to my go-with-the-flow style of parenting. I hope that by lending some predictability to his days, Ali's tendency to fuss would lessen. By organising some activity in between his meals and nap time, be it it a trip to the park, or time spent with him just rolling around on the bed, I surely hope this routine would effectively work off some of his energy while giving him the reassurance and attention he sorely needs at this stage of life. It's common sense really. My baby needs me. It's just that I need someone to kick me in the head yet again to drive that point home.

Praise be to God, so far, it's working like a charm, although it does require a great deal of work on my part. Instead of getting caught up with completing my chores and tending my personal projects, I decide to 'let him have me for the day'. I have to tell myself repeatedly that I will have time for myself once more, perhaps during his nap time, or at night while he slumbers in dreamland, and more completely when my baby decides he is finally ready to become more independent. After all, as experienced parents are often wont to say, these moments will be over all too soon. And I intend to do as Thoreau do and "live deep and suck all the marrow of life" when it comes to motherhood.

Julia Cameron, author of 'The Artist's Way' reminds me that "Frustrations and rewards exist at all levels on the path." To borrow the same analogy, the Way of Motherhood means traveling continuously upward on a spiral path. More than once, I have to circle the same issues over and over again but always I end up on a different level after gaining a few gold nuggets of wisdom along the way.

"Or do you think that you shall enter the Garden (of Bliss) without such (trials) as came to those who came before you? They encountered suffering and adversity, and were so shaken in spirit that even the Messenger and those in faith who were with him cried: 'When (will come) the help of God?' Ah! Verily, the help of God is always near!" Surah Al Baqarah (2:214)

The Art of Hubby's Homecoming

Yippee! I just got a call from hubby saying he's already on his way home. I have about 7 more hours to prep up before he's home for the long weekend.

What can I do to make my his homecoming a welcoming one? Well, I've already drawn up a list that I've been referring to, and so far it's worked wonderfully except for some minor glitches on my part. Let me take it out again as a personal refresher course in the Art of Hubby's Homecoming.

Prepare the house

• Pick up clutter, sweep the floor, and set out the towels.
  
• Make sure bathroom is clean and smells great.
• Light up the scented candles!
• Be prepared to have his meals on time and his clothes laundered.
  

Prepare my appearance

• Comb hair, put on lipstick and spritz on perfume lightly.
• Leave the raggedy t-shirts in the wardrobe (Best to throw it out, dear).
• Put on something cute for the house and sexy for the boudoir.

Prepare my attitude

• No complaining over clutter (Pick it up, don't pass on the negative. It'll make us both feel better).
• Physically love him (Need to work on this!)
• Positively respond to his thoughts, decisions, and words (No more dragging my feet, please).
• Be cheerful!
  

My trouble is that I tend to be reserve sometimes when it comes to physical affection, expecting him to do all the work then pouting and acting sullen when he doesn't respond the way I expected him to.

I need to work on on being the initiator rather than just a passive recipient. Lest I forget, when I agreed to be his wife, any uncalled for reservation and embarrassment I felt towards him should have been checked at the door a long time ago ;)

"They are your garments and you are their garments..." Surah Al-Baqarah (2:187)

Warning: Besotted Mummy Ahead!

Alipuddin' is so yummy I could eat him up with a spoon! Saturday was his birthday. He's a year old now. Time flies so fast when Ali's around!

For his present we bought him a charming wooden toy truck. But after a while he seems to love the new toy just as much as he loves playing with the wastebasket in the kitchen. Sigh.

With Alipuddin', there's no middle road for him. If he's happy, he lets everyone know through his mischievous eyes, loud squeals, and energetic bounces. If he's frustrated or unhappy about a situation, his shouts can wake the whole neighbourhood up. But his needs are easy to decipher. Most times, all he needs is someone to pick him up and he's instantly back to his ol' bubbly self. He rarely cries when he wakes up after a nap. But he would let us know that he's awake by calling out to us. A couple of times I found him alone on the bed, his face turned towards the window, seemingly lost in baby thoughts. I often wonder what he was thinking about. I had to stop myself from gathering him up in my arms and smother him with kisses hence disturbing his gentle reverie.

He gets still and quiet when we cover his neck, ears and cheeks with smooches. The only signs that tell us he enjoys the barrage of kisses are through his wide eyes and equally wide open grin. Speaking of grins, he now has two baby teeth on his lower gum. He only started growing his first tooth 2 months ago. He is so adorable when he flashes his two-toothed grins at us. I wonder how he'd look like when his mouth starts to fill up with pearly whites. I know I'm going to miss the baby smiles he sports now.

He loves going out. It doesn't matter where. When we took him to his first check up at 2 months of age, his round eyes would suddenly become animated and he'd start having 'conversations' with me. Even the nurse was surprised at his apparent enthusiasm at such a tender age. Later as he gets older, he'd lunge at any of us who dons the headscarf in front of him. At that age of 7 months he'd already started showing observation skills and can anticipate upcoming events. If we're slow to pick him up, woe betide his caretakers!

Fortunately he loves car rides. It's a breeze traveling with him on long car journeys. The constant motion keeps him contented while the nooks and crannies of the car's interior keeps him relatively occupied. The baby seat only works for him when he's asleep. I welcome anyone to try get this bundle of muscles and willpower strapped to his baby seat!

When he first started to crawl, he already had it in his head that I could oftentimes be found in my bedroom. If the door was closed he would bang on the bedroom door with his fists so that somebody would open it up. One day I observed him from behind; first he would pause at the threshold, then his eyes would sweep the room then look up towards the bed to see whether I'm there or not. Failing to find me in there, he turned around to seek his mother somewhere else. Oh, what joy when his eyes met mine!

Aliuddin stretches me in ways I thought I could never be stretched. His boundless energy and need for constant stimuli can sometimes become too much for me, as I'm a person who craves peace, quiet, and tranquility. But after having spent the past 365 days as a mother to my baby Ali, I wouldn't trade my tears and sighs of frustration for a moments respite. One year has passed since he was lifted up by the midwives all bloodied and bruised and placed on my chest. I could still feel the heat of his body warming up this new mother's heart. Now he is one year old. I love it whenever he puts his pudgy, dimpled hands on both of my cheeks and look deep into my eyes. Or today after I finished my prayers, he would crawl right up to me and put his head on my lap. What mother's heart wouldn't melt at this sweet gesture?

May Allah guide my son on his journey towards pleasing Him and make him one of the Righteous people. Ameen.

How to cut an onion without crying

I have learned my lesson this morning. I will only cook for the rest of the family if someone has agreed to look after the baby. Whether or not they are people in the house is irrelevant. They have to agree to their part of the bargain if they want to have hot food served to them.

Otherwise, it is takeaway or peanut butter sandwiches for them. Tough luck.

My Baby vs Me

Parenting can wear you thin. You want time out. Time to devote to your own studies, reading, writing, crafting, peace, quiet, tranquility...but parenting is having none of it.

Being a mother requires us to be constantly surrendering our own expectations and will to the present moment, to the child and his growing soul. It is not easy, far from it. I whine and complain a lot--until I came across this verse from the holy book.

"It is He who created you from a single person, and made his mate of like nature, in order that he may dwell with her (in love). When they are united, she bears a light burden and carries it about (unnoticed). When she grows heavy, they both pray to God their Lord, (saying): If You give us a goodly child, we vow we shall (ever) be grateful." Surah Al A'raf (7:189)

It seems that I have forgotten the reason why I wanted to stay home and become a wife and a mother. It appears that I have forgotten to give thanks to the Almighty for giving me this beautiful child who's perfect in every way except that he is still in that precious stage where he is reliant upon his mother for his nourishment, attention, and love.

In conclusion, I have become an ungrateful brat. It startles me, to come to this realisation. But it has made me aware of how much fallible and human I am, and that I could not do this on my own. (Perhaps in His infinite wisdom, it has been His intention all along to point me in the right direction by giving me a not-so-subtle nudging in the form of a high-need baby?)

I must turn to God. Ask him to grant me patience. Lots of it. I want to thrive and flourish in my role as wife and mother rather than just mere surviving as it is these that I will be accounted for in the end. And for that I need His help.

I also came across this paragraph by Debi Pearl which paints a picture in my eye of what loving and parenting is all about:

"Love wears the garments of laughter, joy, thanksgiving, delighted eyes meeting delighted eyes. Love is driving down the road singing together because the children’s joy is more important than your own tranquility. Love is hugs, cooking together, taking time to build a tent over the furniture. Love is making the children a part of your life—a part of your daily routine. Love is an irresistible delight in the developing soul of another person."

Parenting is about being present for our child no matter what agenda we have planned for ourselves--it may even require us to sacrifice our tranquility (gasp!). But God in His Mercy has given His promise thus, "Verily in the remembrance of God do hearts find rest." Surah Al Ra'd (13:28).

Clearly 'peace and tranquility' are not products I can grab off the top shelf of a supermarket. Rather it is a gift to those who willingly submit their will to Him.

Lord, grant me strength to lay aside my selfishness in the hope that by serving You my heart will find rest. Ameen

Frugality with Love

We spent dinner out on the front yard, underneath the moonlit sky. Candles are lit, cushions are spread about and a humble feast has been laid out on the bamboo mat. Gratefully my mother minded Alipuddin' and left my husband and I alone for our romantic dinner for two. The dinner had to be a short one as baby was having fits of jealousy for not being invited to join his parents outside. No matter, once my baby was back in my arms, we've both had our fill of love and conversation after a day spent apart from each other.

Once the food's been cleared away and Alipuddin asleep after having his fill, I drank the last drop of tea and breathed in deeply the fresh night air. There was a breeze and I can smell the sweet scent of the flickering candles from underneath the mango tree. My husband has retreated indoors and I was on my own. I felt calm and at peace. Praise be to God, my prayers for a contented heart came to fruit. But not without a little effort on my part.

Due to the rising price of petrol and food, the cost of living has skyrocketed. For simple folks like us, a daily dose of our favourite beverage at the local mamak will soon burn a hole in our pockets if we're not careful. It's been hard for me to give up this pleasure. It's a chance for me to enjoy a short stroll in the neighbourhood and a change of scenery with my husband after a long day. But finally I had to let it go. It had to take a little desperation to squeeze out inspiration to make do with what we have. But in the end it made me realise that quality of life does not need to depend on a lot of money. Just a smidgeon of ingenuity served up with love.

In Becoming Eve

This evening my husband said something romantic to me. He said he doesn’t know what I’ve done but these past few days at work he couldn’t help thinking about me (glee).

I think I might know the reason why. It's been a long, hard road to come to this point but I've been practicing diligently in the housewifely arts. I took it upon myself for his laundry, daily meals, kept the house tidy and organized, and every morning for the past couple of days I got up early to make his breakfast and made sure his morning routine goes smoothly for him right up until he goes out of the door. No matter how late I slept the night before or how much the cozy mattress beckons to me to snuggle back to sleep I know this is what God has ordained me to do. As my husband is the provider and protector of our family, it is my responsibility to take care of his home and property. Even though we are still living in my parents’ home, there are areas that only his wife can do it best. This is my responsibility, my sphere, my career.

Another crucial thing I did is to keep in check my tendencies to complain and criticize. I know I am not perfect and neither is he. So it is not my place to put him down and become his nagging mother! I mean, what man want to come home to find a scowling wife greet him at the door?

I'm also practicing generosity by building my husband up with words. I try to express my admiration in his many qualities and strength which is becoming more evident the more I know him.

To top it off it's also important that I become his beautiful and sexy companion (blush). It is a constant challenge, one that I have to work hard on to look impeccably put together. Putting on lipstick is one thing, preserving the look for the rest of the day when the weather is constantly hot and humid is another. My biggest challenge is to make sure no repugnant smell reaches his nose. I put on deodorant, scented talcum and spray on perfume to achieve this. I shower twice sometimes three times daily. It is difficult to beat the weather but try I must.

Another bone of contention is my hair and what to do with it. It’s long, course and wiry. The only hairstyles I can think of are the ‘bun’ or the ‘hair-caught-in-a-jaw grip’ looks. God help me! It has to be practical, it cannot be complicate so what else is there for me to do? I am looking through websites for pretty hairstyles that doesn’t require investment in products or heat styling, and one that can be done in a hurry.

I do all this because number 1, I love him; number 2, he works so hard for our family that he deserves everything and more. This is how I show him my love and gratitude. I want to become indispensable to him so that he has no need of ‘spoil’-ever. This is what we daughters of Eves are put on this Earth for. As God’s handmaidens we are to submit to our husbands after we have submitted to the Almighty. It feels right and it's truly soul satisfying. Now pray and hope that I can keep this up!