Thursday 30 October 2008

The Way of Motherhood

It all began when my baby's incessant demands left me bone weary, to the point that even my ever-patient mother was on the verge of throwing in the towel. Bewildered over my son's apparently 'bad behaviour', I couldn't make head nor tails regarding his growing dependence upon us. After all, he's already hit is one year mark and so to my reasoning he should become more independent by now. Unbidden, images of 'spoiling him' started to haunt me and I began to doubt the attachment parenting mode I have adopted ever since I gave birth to Ali. It didn't help that DH made a cutting I-told-you-so remark about how I should have left Ali to cry it out instead of instantly going to him at the first sign of a whimper.

Feeling helpless, I reached for one of those baby training books I've tried to resist the past year. While I cannot agree to all that she suggests, Gina Ford does have a valid point. In her book 'The Contented Toddler', she writes, "Once they pass their first birthday and enter toddlerhood, the majority of babies become more demanding and need much more attention. Although they are striving towards independence physically, mentally and emotionally they go through a stage where they need a lot more reassurance and attention." It makes a lot of sense to me. My baby is torn between staying inside the comfort and safety zone of his mother and the insatiable desire to explore the adventures of the world unknown. Poor baby! Ambivalence is an emotional state very familiar to me. One example is of me being a parent. In all honesty, I love being a parent but on the other hand I miss the freedom of being footloose and fancy free, unencumbered with the responsibilities that motherhood entails.

But any semblance of ambivalence Alipuddin' feels towards his independence is thrown out of the window the moment he is taken out on a trip with us. His whole demeanour lights up like a blossoming chrysanthemum the moment we head out of doors. More than once I would see him crawl up to strangers in bookstores, flashing his dimpled smiles at them. It is not uncommon to see one beleaguered parent (me) chasing after a toddler in the children's section of a bookstore! It has to be said that Ali is most at home among crowds of people. During a gathering at a friend's place a couple of days ago, Ali could not resist crawling into the lap of an unsuspecting guest! Masha'Allah! Maybe he is just blessed with such an open and friendly temperament but I'd also like to believe that it is our approach to parenting which has nurtured his sense of trust in the people around him.

As Alipuddin' hurtles headlong into the realm of toddlerhood, it began to dawn on me that I cannot simply put him down on the floor and expect him to happily occupy himself with the few toys and knick knacks tossed along his way. It just doesn't work that way with him. Taking a cue from the book, I decided to incorporate some sort of structure to my go-with-the-flow style of parenting. I hope that by lending some predictability to his days, Ali's tendency to fuss would lessen. By organising some activity in between his meals and nap time, be it it a trip to the park, or time spent with him just rolling around on the bed, I surely hope this routine would effectively work off some of his energy while giving him the reassurance and attention he sorely needs at this stage of life. It's common sense really. My baby needs me. It's just that I need someone to kick me in the head yet again to drive that point home.

Praise be to God, so far, it's working like a charm, although it does require a great deal of work on my part. Instead of getting caught up with completing my chores and tending my personal projects, I decide to 'let him have me for the day'. I have to tell myself repeatedly that I will have time for myself once more, perhaps during his nap time, or at night while he slumbers in dreamland, and more completely when my baby decides he is finally ready to become more independent. After all, as experienced parents are often wont to say, these moments will be over all too soon. And I intend to do as Thoreau do and "live deep and suck all the marrow of life" when it comes to motherhood.

Julia Cameron, author of 'The Artist's Way' reminds me that "Frustrations and rewards exist at all levels on the path." To borrow the same analogy, the Way of Motherhood means traveling continuously upward on a spiral path. More than once, I have to circle the same issues over and over again but always I end up on a different level after gaining a few gold nuggets of wisdom along the way.

"Or do you think that you shall enter the Garden (of Bliss) without such (trials) as came to those who came before you? They encountered suffering and adversity, and were so shaken in spirit that even the Messenger and those in faith who were with him cried: 'When (will come) the help of God?' Ah! Verily, the help of God is always near!" Surah Al Baqarah (2:214)

Thursday 23 October 2008

The Art of Hubby's Homecoming

Yippee! I just got a call from hubby saying he's already on his way home. I have about 7 more hours to prep up before he's home for the long weekend.

What can I do to make my his homecoming a welcoming one? Well, I've already drawn up a list that I've been referring to, and so far it's worked wonderfully except for some minor glitches on my part. Let me take it out again as a personal refresher course in the Art of Hubby's Homecoming.

Prepare the house
  • Pick up clutter, sweep the floor, and set out the towels.
  • Make sure bathroom is clean and smells great.
  • Light up the scented candles!
  • Be prepared to have his meals on time and his clothes laundered.
Prepare my appearance
  • Comb hair, put on lipstick and spritz on perfume lightly.
  • Leave the raggedy t-shirts in the wardrobe (Best to throw it out, dear).
  • Put on something cute for the house and sexy for the boudoir.
Prepare my attitude
  • No complaining over clutter (Pick it up, don't pass on the negative. It'll make us both feel better).
  • Physically love him (Need to work on this!)
  • Positively respond to his thoughts, decisions, and words (No more dragging my feet, please).
  • Be cheerful!

My trouble is that I tend to be reserve sometimes when it comes to physical affection, expecting him to do all the work then pouting and acting sullen when he doesn't respond the way I expected him to.

I need to work on on being the initiator rather than just a passive recipient. Lest I forget, when I agreed to be his wife, any uncalled for reservation and embarrassment I felt towards him should have been checked at the door a long time ago ;)

"They are your garments and you are their garments..." Surah Al-Baqarah (2:187)

Hot Mama (Or Not!)


I
had planned on breaking a sweat with Kathy Smith's Timesaver Cardio Fat Burner DVD I bought a couple of days ago.

Yes, it's time I did some serious workout. Granted I now weigh less than I did before I became pregnant; thanks to breast-feeding and full-time mothering. But research says after the age of 30 you will naturally lose lean body mass and gain fat each year so I'm afraid the needle on the scale which has gone down a few notches actually indicates that the hard-earned muscles I gained pre-baby is slipping down the drain. I do weight train, albeit sporadically. So I definitely need to work on being consistent. Besides that I need the energy to keep up with my active toddler and that can only be achieved through cardio. In a burst of fiery enthusiasm, I drew up a goal sheet and a workout log based on the Fitness for Dummies book (which I recommend to anyone who wants to start educating themselves on fitness). Notwithstanding I've also scheduled the event down in my daily planner and laid out my workout clothes the night before.

So this morning when my baby went down for his nap I immediately unplugged the TV set from the kitchen and heaved it out into the living room. Imagine my disappointment when I discovered the DVD player would not work. I have this computer in my bedroom to play the DVD with, but the idea of me prancing around in my shoe box bedroom doesn't seem to hold light unless I use my queen-sized bed as an exercise studio. Sad to say I suddenly found my tummy ravenous and went to the fridge to scoff on my leftover bar of chocolate before baby wakes up.

Sigh, I made my husband reward me with sexy lingerie after I've completed 8 weeks of serious training. But it looks like the lingerie has to wait, Honey.

Monday 13 October 2008

Warning: Besotted Mummy Ahead!


Alipuddin' is so yummy I could eat him up with a spoon! Saturday was his birthday. He's a year old now. Time flies so fast when Ali's around!

For his present we bought him a charming wooden toy truck. But after a while he seems to love the new toy just as much as he loves playing with the wastebasket in the kitchen. Sigh.

With Alipuddin', there's no middle road for him. If he's happy, he lets everyone know through his mischievous eyes, loud squeals, and energetic bounces. If he's frustrated or unhappy about a situation, his shouts can wake the whole neighbourhood up. But his needs are easy to decipher. Most times, all he needs is someone to pick him up and he's instantly back to his ol' bubbly self. He rarely cries when he wakes up after a nap. But he would let us know that he's awake by calling out to us. A couple of times I found him alone on the bed, his face turned towards the window, seemingly lost in baby thoughts. I often wonder what he was thinking about. I had to stop myself from gathering him up in my arms and smother him with kisses hence disturbing his gentle reverie.

He gets still and quiet when we cover his neck, ears and cheeks with smooches. The only signs that tell us he enjoys the barrage of kisses are through his wide eyes and equally wide open grin. Speaking of grins, he now has two baby teeth on his lower gum. He only started growing his first tooth 2 months ago. He is so adorable when he flashes his two-toothed grins at us. I wonder how he'd look like when his mouth starts to fill up with pearly whites. I know I'm going to miss the baby smiles he sports now.

He loves going out. It doesn't matter where. When we took him to his first check up at 2 months of age, his round eyes would suddenly become animated and he'd start having 'conversations' with me. Even the nurse was surprised at his apparent enthusiasm at such a tender age. Later as he gets older, he'd lunge at any of us who dons the headscarf in front of him. At that age of 7 months he'd already started showing observation skills and can anticipate upcoming events. If we're slow to pick him up, woe betide his caretakers!

Fortunately he loves car rides. It's a breeze traveling with him on long car journeys. The constant motion keeps him contented while the nooks and crannies of the car's interior keeps him relatively occupied. The baby seat only works for him when he's asleep. I welcome anyone to try get this bundle of muscles and willpower strapped to his baby seat!

When he first started to crawl, he already had it in his head that I could oftentimes be found in my bedroom. If the door was closed he would bang on the bedroom door with his fists so that somebody would open it up. One day I observed him from behind; first he would pause at the threshold, then his eyes would sweep the room then look up towards the bed to see whether I'm there or not. Failing to find me in there, he turned around to seek his mother somewhere else. Oh, what joy when his eyes met mine!

Aliuddin stretches me in ways I thought I could never be stretched. His boundless energy and need for constant stimuli can sometimes become too much for me, as I'm a person who craves peace, quiet, and tranquility. But after having spent the past 365 days as a mother to my baby Ali, I wouldn't trade my tears and sighs of frustration for a moments respite. One year has passed since he was lifted up by the midwives all bloodied and bruised and placed on my chest. I could still feel the heat of his body warming up this new mother's heart. Now he is one year old. I love it whenever he puts his pudgy, dimpled hands on both of my cheeks and look deep into my eyes. Or today after I finished my prayers, he would crawl right up to me and put his head on my lap. What mother's heart wouldn't melt at this sweet gesture?

May Allah guide my son on his journey towards pleasing Him and make him one of the Righteous people. Ameen.

Thursday 9 October 2008

How to cut an onion without crying


I have learned my lesson this morning. I will only cook for the rest of the family if someone has agreed to look after the baby. Whether or not they are people in the house is irrelevant. They have to agree to their part of the bargain if they want to have hot food served to them.

Otherwise, it is takeaway or peanut butter sandwiches for them. Tough luck.

Wednesday 8 October 2008

Post Eid, Its Highs & Lows (Part 2)


So I'm now back at home after having spent Eid at my in-laws'. My husband has already returned to his new office in Kedah, which is a 6 hours long journey by bus from Kuala Lumpur. My parents, still celebrating Eid at their hometown, have yet to return home leaving me with the baby and an empty house for most of the day.

After slowly getting back to my old routine, putting the house back in order, and being patient (albeit inwardly fuming) with my siblings who had left the house thrashed, I finally found myself waking up to a fresh, clean, and somewhat orderly house.

Praise be to God, I've finally shaken off the last remnants of my sullen mood. I woke up this morning dreaming of my own version of chicken cooked in lime, ginger, and garlic after being inspired by Sister Taqwa's Ginger and Lime Chicken recipe.With no one to babysit my boy for me, I had to find a way to enfold him into my culinary effort. After breakfast and a quick pick up around the house, I undressed my little Alipuddin' and placed him in the sink next to a colanderful of potatoes waiting to be scrubbed clean. He seems delighted to be involved in the preparation and I am relieved he stayed quiet enough to allow me to get a head start on creating this dish.

After many stops and starts in the form of bathing baby and nursing him to sleep and waking up again (why can't his nap last much longer?!), I am done in the kitchen. My chicken salad and roast potatoes look good served up with a side dish of mixed vegetables, and Alhamdulillah, my brother, who just got back from school wolfed it down with relish. If only my hubby didn't take our camera with him to work.

I am so pleased to be able to add another delicious home cooked meal to the family cookbook!

Insha'Allah, I will include this recipe once I have it down on paper.

Post Eid, Its Highs & Lows (Part 1)


After the high of Ramadan culminating in the joyous occasion that is Eid, there is a natural letdown in spirit and mood in the days that follow, personally speaking of course.

It must be said though, that this year's Ramadan has not been as spiritually fulfilling as I would have liked. Being a mother to a rambunctious 11-month-old baby boy drew heavily on my limited reservoir of patience, willpower, and energy. I was forced to stay home with this handful of joy while others retreat to the Masjid for Tarawih prayers. I felt like an outsider looking at a window display full of gorgeous mouthwatering desserts just out of reach.

The lonely nights praying Tarawih at home did not feel the same, nor did it feel equal to the Tarawih I had performed last Ramadan in congregation. Last year I allowed nothing to stand in my way of attending Tarawih--not even the baby in my tummy who's decided to come early into this world just a couple of days shy of Eid!

I must remind myself that Tarawih is a voluntary prayer. I should be most grateful that God has granted me ease and comfort in meeting my fasting obligation especially as I was breastfeeding my baby. I am reminded of the Prophet's saying, "When a woman observes the five times of prayer, fasts during Ramadan, preserves her chastity and obeys her husband, she may enter by any gates of Paradise she wishes."

Instead of mourning over the juma'ah I could not attend, I must ask myself the 4 pertinent questions inherent from the hadith above; have I performed the 5 daily prayers with khushu' (solemnity and full submissiveness)? Was my fasting acceptable? ie did I also keep in check my tongue, eyes, ears, hands, and feet from wrongdoing? Have I preserved my chastity by practicing modesty and self-restraint? Did I obey my husband willingly? Even though it feels inconvenient to me?

Masha'Allah, what a reality check! In other words; keep it simple, sister! I must keep in mind this checklist when I forget to put first thing's first. It is especially important in this day of age when everyone else seems so much ahead of me.

Another hadith equates the pregnant and nursing mother to a soldier on active duty. If she dies, she receives the reward reserved for a martyr! Praise be to God, I am right where the action is, deep in the trenches of motherhood!

So, what's past is past. Learn from it to better my future. May Allah grant me opportunities to celebrate many more Ramadans and Eids in the coming years. Ameen.

Your Worth as a Homemaker

  Mother and children, oil on canvas, 1941, Fernando Amarsolo My work, like others who choose to take on the role of homemakers, revolves mu...