Each Other's Garments

My poor husband is facing great trials on his job. I am wringing my hands trying to come up with ways to support him through this difficult phase in his career.

Save from abandoning my post in the home as wife and mother just so I can alleviate his burden as the provider for the family, the wisest thing to do is to continue keeping my mouth sealed, i.e. no nagging, complaints, or criticisms. So far, doing so brought much peace and harmony between us, praise be to Allah. It is also important that I express true sympathy, appreciation and sincere admiration for him. Listening to him and understanding the sacrifices he has to make daily in order to provide for us makes it easy to do so.

I should also let him know that I believe in his true worth, even if others do not (or that is how he perceives). And I must find it in my heart to forgive him if I feel he has slighted me in some way. I must stay positive and not allow his dark moods to influence me. I must not panic but continue to be his gentle confidante and loving supporter. The next best thing is to keep the household running intact and not allow my rambunctious son to run all over him when he is in need of rest. Last but not least I need to keep him constantly in my prayers.

It may seem like a tall order but we all have our parts to play in a loving marriage. A beautiful line in the Qur'an describes the relationship between a husband and wife, "they are your garments as you are their garments". In His mercy, Allah gave us the right to protection under our husbands' care, so to show our gratitude we do our part to preserve our husband's best interest at heart by doing all that is within our means, Insha'Allah.

"Remember Me, and I shall remember you; be grateful to Me,
and deny Me not." (Quran 2:152)

Authentic Wife, Virtuous Wife

A lot has happened over the past month. I decided not to rant and rave over the Palestinian tragedy in Gaza as so much has already been said and written (so much better than I ever could) on this heart-rending topic. My condolences and prayers go to all the victims of this senseless conflict. Everything has been razed to the ground over there and I pray that they will at least be given the chance and enough aid to rebuild their fragmented lives in peace.

Meanwhile on the domestic front, my baby has finally learnt to walk. He is officially a toddler now. He doesn't need to be carried around as much now that he is happy to explore the house on his own two feet. Unfortunately he insists on participating in all the domestic routines such as cooking, sweeping, and mopping. I am praying he would be just as enthusiastic when he grows into a teen. I have been ill since New Year's Eve. Still am. Nothing serious but enough to make me feel inept around the house. My book project is temporarily on a creative back burner (or so I try to convince myself). But I'm happy to report that I managed to squeeze in time to work on my garment. I have always intended to create my own housedress. I am sick and tired of my dull biege and grey wardrobe repertoire that I wear around the house all the time. It is completely uninspiring. So I planned to make something cute and feminine out of my cotton fabric. I am currently adjusting the dress pattern in order to accommodate my breastfeeding figure. Instead of the zip at the back, I intend to have buttons down the front. The dress pattern is coming along nicely albeit slowly. Insya'Allah I would like to post a picture when I have something substantial to show.

Last weekend we stayed over at my parents-in-love's house in Terengganu. The last time we went home was to celebrate Eid-ul-fitr. Even then it was a whirlwind event what with festive celebrations and multitudes of relatives . My husband wanted to cast his vote for the Kuala Terengganu by-elections and I was hoping this would be the perfect opportunity for my son to spend some quality time with his grandparents. But as it turned out, Ali point-blank refuses to go with his grandparents! He is perfectly happy though playing with his 5 and 6 year-old cousins but with one caveat; I could not leave the room! It was an exhausting weekend. I could not blame him though, the environment is still new to him and he needed some time to warm up to the new-to-him- faces of his kindly grandparents and uncles. It didn't help matters that our stay was so short it left us no time to breathe. We arrived on Friday evening and by Sunday morning, we had to leave for the city so that my husband could catch the bus back to Kedah that night. I believe we had spent most of our short trip in the car!

I have to say though, life has been sweet these last few weeks. Although my nose is running like a leaking tap, I am currently basking in my husband's love and affection. The path to get to this place has not been without pain. The moment I made my intention to become a 'virtuous' wife and mother (see previous post) the challenges begin. Allah would not let me go untested until I had proven my worthiness to wear the mantle of Virtuous Wife. I did a lot of praying and rumination and I realise the problem stems from me. I did not play out my God-given role of the understanding, appreciative, and submissive wife. Outwardly I did the typical but honoured wifely routine; prepared his meals, did his laundry, mend his shirt etc., inside I was fuming over his apparent carelessness regarding my feelings and his constant sarcasm that he threw at me. Everything felt so strained and unnatural. I seriously started to believe that the love I have for him is gone and that I am doing all this out of a sense of duty as a Muslimah. I felt like a walking time bomb ready to explode at the slightest misstep. So the following night after he had left for Kedah, I wrote furiously in my journal in an attempt to uncover the reason why I feel so exhausted, dissatisfied and unhappy. Love has become so much work! And I thought parenting was hard! Finally after my aggression has worn off its edges, I contemplated whether or not I should tell him the truth concerning us. I then decided I should go for it. I cannot live under this facade anymore acting as if everything is fine when it's not. So I sent him a message through my cellphone. (I was afraid I would not be as coherent if I heard his voice through the phone) I asked him if he feels that marriage is hard. He instantly replied with a confident Nope, and that he feels blessed to be so filled with love. Immediately tears started trickling down my cheeks. Now I know that this unhappiness had only been on my part. I was also relieved that I did the right thing by keeping his daily needs intact and not succumbing to my nafs by continually pouting and acting sullen. I sent him a message telling him I am so glad he feels that way. He then asked me how I feel about our marriage. I was silent for a while, contemplating how to tell him the truth without sounding as if I was blaming him. Marriage is about honesty so he needed to know how I really felt, because I cannot continue acting like the perfect Stepford wife when inside my blood was close to boiling point! Besides it is close to impossible to serve my husband with a willing heart if I continue to feel resentful and under-appreciated. Before airing my grievances I told him that he should know that I am always on his side. He then replied that he knew that, that is why he decided to live the rest of his life with me. I then told him that I too feel blessed to have him in my life. But in all honesty my attempts to please him never seems to be enough. I hear no positive feedback. All I tend to do is arouse his anger and it is making me feel sad. He immediately replied that he is not angry with me and that he loves me for who I am. He also added that he wanted to give me a hug right there and then. After silently basking in the hug he sent me over the phone, I then told him that I knew he was busy (my husband and his colleagues are in the process of establishing a new degree course for a college in Kedah and at the same time chasing after stiff deadlines for their newly-emerging company. Talk about stress. Phew!). Perhaps that's the reason why I feel neglected, I told him. He then said maybe, after all he has been working 24/7 since before Ramadan and he may have overlooked a few things. I sensed the humility in his words and immediately I felt a rush of forgiveness for my man and told him so. I also told him that I hope when everything settles down, our marriage would be like how it was again. He gave me his word. That night we parted over the phone with renewed love for each other. I felt like my insides were glowing. The tender feelings of love for my husband once again settled itself over my newly mended heart.

There is a lesson to be learnt here. It is well and good to serve our husbands with a sense of duty but as a woman we want to do it out of love and affection for our husband. I learnt the hard way that it is of no good to me to let the unaired grievances to fester inside of me. I do need to choose my battles wisely but it is also vital to communicate how I feel when something is obviously bothering me. It is important too that the communication be done in a trustful and respectful manner, free from blame and resentment. For me personally, writing my feelings out in my journal helps me pinpoint the problems so that I can communicate to my husband directly without having to go on a painful merry-go-round ride in order to get to the root cause. Writing in my journal also helps me drain away the resentment and anger that I was experiencing leaving me clear-headed enough to clarify my feelings to my husband in a language he can emphatize with.

I have a long way to go though, to become the Virtuous Wife to my beloved husband. Pray for me, will you?

The Muslim Woman as Queen

“The wife is responsible for taking care of the home of her husband, and she will be accountable for those given in her charge.” (Bukhari, Muslim)

A woman holds great powers in her hands.

Her powers are God-given, for Allah has placed His trust in the gentle hands of a woman. She is commanded to establish a home of warmth and security for her children, and a haven of comfort and joy for her husband. Her role is sacred, and her influence wide; it is in her hands that she is raising God's little soldiers and handmaidens.

A woman in Islam knows how to wield her powers wisely. She constantly refuels her mind with wisdom and knowledge and replenishes her soul with words from the Holy Qur’an.

She is answerable to her Rabb only, thus all her deeds and duties proceed from her love and fear of Him. Even if the sputter of the car would mean another visit to the workshop, she trusts that Allah never burdens His servants more than they can bear. For her source of comfort is constant and abiding, in that she has Him to turn to for divine assistance.

She feels blessed for Allah has given her a sheltered position, to thrive in the security of her home, protected from the needs to earn a living: “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because God has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means.” (Surah Nisa’ 4: 34)

Although she may supplement her husband’s income through her own means, it never crosses her mind to usurp a role that rightfully belongs to her husband. Unencumbered from the weight of having to support herself, she roams her Kingdom freely with the independence and pride of a Queen whose duty is to use the powers bestowed upon her to make her kingdom a reflection of God’s order and perfection.

She starts her day with the Morning Prayer and offers supplications to her Rabb. She drapes herself with the clothe of modesty and virtue, and welcomes the day ahead with hope and joy. She keeps the home fires burning by attending to the spiritual, emotional and physical needs of those in her charge. Wiping a runny nose here, changing a dirty diaper there, her faith in the words of Allah inspires her to forge on and give only the best to her family: “Whoever works righteousness, man or women, and has Faith, verily to him will We give a new Life that is good and pure and We will bestow on such their reward according to the best of their actions.” (Surah Nahl 16:97).

It does not matter that the dirty dishes are piling up in the sink, what is important is that her home is a welcoming shelter for her husband because she appreciates how hard it is having to go out into the world come rain or shine in an effort to provide adequately for the family. She has successfully carved herself a niche in her husband's heart through the daily love and affection that she showers upon him. And in return, he is willing to spread his heart and soul across her feet to make her feel loved and cherished. Truly this is what Allah meant when He referred to the celestial love between a husband and wife “… And He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): Verily in that are signs for those who reflect.” (Surah Rum 30:21)

As husband and wife, they are an equal, but their roles are not identical. The husband sets the tone of leadership in the family, while the wife upholds his rules. However his role is greatly reliant upon her to make sure the family is guided correctly, according to the values of Islam. It is her duty to speak up wisely if he digresses from the true path. Mutual respect and regard for their complementary contributions greatly reduces friction in the family. They are a team, and if divided, the insidious influences of the world outside will slowly but surely spread their evil from within.

Allah has bestowed upon the woman with characteristics that set her apart from man. Her patience and sensitivity makes her attuned to the needs of her children. She cares that her children eats nutritiously, rests comfortably, dresses modestly and speaks politely. Neither nursery nor nannies can provide the moral direction, devotion, and enough patience to instill character and goodness in the children better than the mother.

Her children are taught to appreciate the greater good in doing things of lasting value instead of squandering their time on temporal pleasures; she teaches them to set a worthy goal, and the importance of working hard to reach its end. She protects her children from the glittering allure of this fleeting world by insulating their hearts with wisdom from the sunnah and the Qur'an.

Though her children still clings to her skirt, she does believe in propagating Islam with the rest of the Ummah. Perhaps time and energy prevents her from giving herself completely to the cause now, when her children will only remain children in the blink of an eye. But she understands that the greatest contribution a woman can offer to the Ummah is by wielding her powers of influence to those who are nearest and dearest to her heart. Her work at home is of eternal value. It is in the glory of Allah that her crown of jewels lies, not in the applause nor the tantalizingly heaped up hoards of riches offered by this secular world.

Today as she gazes down at the adorable, imploring faces of her small children begging for her love and attention, she feels satisfied in knowing that she has made the best use of her role as Queen to prepare herself for the day when she will be “accountable for those given in her charge”.

“Indeed, to God belongs the dominion of the heavens, and the earth;
and to God is the final goal (of all).” (Surah Nur 24 :42)

The Art of Hubby's Homecoming

Yippee! I just got a call from hubby saying he's already on his way home. I have about 7 more hours to prep up before he's home for the long weekend.

What can I do to make my his homecoming a welcoming one? Well, I've already drawn up a list that I've been referring to, and so far it's worked wonderfully except for some minor glitches on my part. Let me take it out again as a personal refresher course in the Art of Hubby's Homecoming.

Prepare the house

• Pick up clutter, sweep the floor, and set out the towels.
  
• Make sure bathroom is clean and smells great.
• Light up the scented candles!
• Be prepared to have his meals on time and his clothes laundered.
  

Prepare my appearance

• Comb hair, put on lipstick and spritz on perfume lightly.
• Leave the raggedy t-shirts in the wardrobe (Best to throw it out, dear).
• Put on something cute for the house and sexy for the boudoir.

Prepare my attitude

• No complaining over clutter (Pick it up, don't pass on the negative. It'll make us both feel better).
• Physically love him (Need to work on this!)
• Positively respond to his thoughts, decisions, and words (No more dragging my feet, please).
• Be cheerful!
  

My trouble is that I tend to be reserve sometimes when it comes to physical affection, expecting him to do all the work then pouting and acting sullen when he doesn't respond the way I expected him to.

I need to work on on being the initiator rather than just a passive recipient. Lest I forget, when I agreed to be his wife, any uncalled for reservation and embarrassment I felt towards him should have been checked at the door a long time ago ;)

"They are your garments and you are their garments..." Surah Al-Baqarah (2:187)

Frugality with Love

We spent dinner out on the front yard, underneath the moonlit sky. Candles are lit, cushions are spread about and a humble feast has been laid out on the bamboo mat. Gratefully my mother minded Alipuddin' and left my husband and I alone for our romantic dinner for two. The dinner had to be a short one as baby was having fits of jealousy for not being invited to join his parents outside. No matter, once my baby was back in my arms, we've both had our fill of love and conversation after a day spent apart from each other.

Once the food's been cleared away and Alipuddin asleep after having his fill, I drank the last drop of tea and breathed in deeply the fresh night air. There was a breeze and I can smell the sweet scent of the flickering candles from underneath the mango tree. My husband has retreated indoors and I was on my own. I felt calm and at peace. Praise be to God, my prayers for a contented heart came to fruit. But not without a little effort on my part.

Due to the rising price of petrol and food, the cost of living has skyrocketed. For simple folks like us, a daily dose of our favourite beverage at the local mamak will soon burn a hole in our pockets if we're not careful. It's been hard for me to give up this pleasure. It's a chance for me to enjoy a short stroll in the neighbourhood and a change of scenery with my husband after a long day. But finally I had to let it go. It had to take a little desperation to squeeze out inspiration to make do with what we have. But in the end it made me realise that quality of life does not need to depend on a lot of money. Just a smidgeon of ingenuity served up with love.

In Becoming Eve

This evening my husband said something romantic to me. He said he doesn’t know what I’ve done but these past few days at work he couldn’t help thinking about me (glee).

I think I might know the reason why. It's been a long, hard road to come to this point but I've been practicing diligently in the housewifely arts. I took it upon myself for his laundry, daily meals, kept the house tidy and organized, and every morning for the past couple of days I got up early to make his breakfast and made sure his morning routine goes smoothly for him right up until he goes out of the door. No matter how late I slept the night before or how much the cozy mattress beckons to me to snuggle back to sleep I know this is what God has ordained me to do. As my husband is the provider and protector of our family, it is my responsibility to take care of his home and property. Even though we are still living in my parents’ home, there are areas that only his wife can do it best. This is my responsibility, my sphere, my career.

Another crucial thing I did is to keep in check my tendencies to complain and criticize. I know I am not perfect and neither is he. So it is not my place to put him down and become his nagging mother! I mean, what man want to come home to find a scowling wife greet him at the door?

I'm also practicing generosity by building my husband up with words. I try to express my admiration in his many qualities and strength which is becoming more evident the more I know him.

To top it off it's also important that I become his beautiful and sexy companion (blush). It is a constant challenge, one that I have to work hard on to look impeccably put together. Putting on lipstick is one thing, preserving the look for the rest of the day when the weather is constantly hot and humid is another. My biggest challenge is to make sure no repugnant smell reaches his nose. I put on deodorant, scented talcum and spray on perfume to achieve this. I shower twice sometimes three times daily. It is difficult to beat the weather but try I must.

Another bone of contention is my hair and what to do with it. It’s long, course and wiry. The only hairstyles I can think of are the ‘bun’ or the ‘hair-caught-in-a-jaw grip’ looks. God help me! It has to be practical, it cannot be complicate so what else is there for me to do? I am looking through websites for pretty hairstyles that doesn’t require investment in products or heat styling, and one that can be done in a hurry.

I do all this because number 1, I love him; number 2, he works so hard for our family that he deserves everything and more. This is how I show him my love and gratitude. I want to become indispensable to him so that he has no need of ‘spoil’-ever. This is what we daughters of Eves are put on this Earth for. As God’s handmaidens we are to submit to our husbands after we have submitted to the Almighty. It feels right and it's truly soul satisfying. Now pray and hope that I can keep this up!