A lot has happened over the past month. I decided not to rant and rave over the Palestinian tragedy in Gaza as so much has already been said and written (so much better than I ever could) on this heart-rending topic. My condolences and prayers go to all the victims of this senseless conflict. Everything has been razed to the ground over there and I pray that they will at least be given the chance and enough aid to rebuild their fragmented lives in peace.
Meanwhile on the domestic front, my baby has finally learnt to walk. He is officially a toddler now. He doesn't need to be carried around as much now that he is happy to explore the house on his own two feet. Unfortunately he insists on participating in all the domestic routines such as cooking, sweeping, and mopping. I am praying he would be just as enthusiastic when he grows into a teen. I have been ill since New Year's Eve. Still am. Nothing serious but enough to make me feel inept around the house. My book project is temporarily on a creative back burner (or so I try to convince myself). But I'm happy to report that I managed to squeeze in time to work on my garment. I have always intended to create my own housedress. I am sick and tired of my dull biege and grey wardrobe repertoire that I wear around the house all the time. It is completely uninspiring. So I planned to make something cute and feminine out of my cotton fabric. I am currently adjusting the dress pattern in order to accommodate my breastfeeding figure. Instead of the zip at the back, I intend to have buttons down the front. The dress pattern is coming along nicely albeit slowly. Insya'Allah I would like to post a picture when I have something substantial to show.
Last weekend we stayed over at my parents-in-love's house in Terengganu. The last time we went home was to celebrate Eid-ul-fitr. Even then it was a whirlwind event what with festive celebrations and multitudes of relatives . My husband wanted to cast his vote for the Kuala Terengganu by-elections and I was hoping this would be the perfect opportunity for my son to spend some quality time with his grandparents. But as it turned out, Ali point-blank refuses to go with his grandparents! He is perfectly happy though playing with his 5 and 6 year-old cousins but with one caveat; I could not leave the room! It was an exhausting weekend. I could not blame him though, the environment is still new to him and he needed some time to warm up to the new-to-him- faces of his kindly grandparents and uncles. It didn't help matters that our stay was so short it left us no time to breathe. We arrived on Friday evening and by Sunday morning, we had to leave for the city so that my husband could catch the bus back to Kedah that night. I believe we had spent most of our short trip in the car!
I have to say though, life has been sweet these last few weeks. Although my nose is running like a leaking tap, I am currently basking in my husband's love and affection. The path to get to this place has not been without pain. The moment I made my intention to become a 'virtuous' wife and mother (see previous post) the challenges begin. Allah would not let me go untested until I had proven my worthiness to wear the mantle of Virtuous Wife. I did a lot of praying and rumination and I realise the problem stems from me. I did not play out my God-given role of the understanding, appreciative, and submissive wife. Outwardly I did the typical but honoured wifely routine; prepared his meals, did his laundry, mend his shirt etc., inside I was fuming over his apparent carelessness regarding my feelings and his constant sarcasm that he threw at me. Everything felt so strained and unnatural. I seriously started to believe that the love I have for him is gone and that I am doing all this out of a sense of duty as a Muslimah. I felt like a walking time bomb ready to explode at the slightest misstep. So the following night after he had left for Kedah, I wrote furiously in my journal in an attempt to uncover the reason why I feel so exhausted, dissatisfied and unhappy. Love has become so much work! And I thought parenting was hard! Finally after my aggression has worn off its edges, I contemplated whether or not I should tell him the truth concerning us. I then decided I should go for it. I cannot live under this facade anymore acting as if everything is fine when it's not. So I sent him a message through my cellphone. (I was afraid I would not be as coherent if I heard his voice through the phone) I asked him if he feels that marriage is hard. He instantly replied with a confident Nope, and that he feels blessed to be so filled with love. Immediately tears started trickling down my cheeks. Now I know that this unhappiness had only been on my part. I was also relieved that I did the right thing by keeping his daily needs intact and not succumbing to my nafs by continually pouting and acting sullen. I sent him a message telling him I am so glad he feels that way. He then asked me how I feel about our marriage. I was silent for a while, contemplating how to tell him the truth without sounding as if I was blaming him. Marriage is about honesty so he needed to know how I really felt, because I cannot continue acting like the perfect Stepford wife when inside my blood was close to boiling point! Besides it is close to impossible to serve my husband with a willing heart if I continue to feel resentful and under-appreciated. Before airing my grievances I told him that he should know that I am always on his side. He then replied that he knew that, that is why he decided to live the rest of his life with me. I then told him that I too feel blessed to have him in my life. But in all honesty my attempts to please him never seems to be enough. I hear no positive feedback. All I tend to do is arouse his anger and it is making me feel sad. He immediately replied that he is not angry with me and that he loves me for who I am. He also added that he wanted to give me a hug right there and then. After silently basking in the hug he sent me over the phone, I then told him that I knew he was busy (my husband and his colleagues are in the process of establishing a new degree course for a college in Kedah and at the same time chasing after stiff deadlines for their newly-emerging company. Talk about stress. Phew!). Perhaps that's the reason why I feel neglected, I told him. He then said maybe, after all he has been working 24/7 since before Ramadan and he may have overlooked a few things. I sensed the humility in his words and immediately I felt a rush of forgiveness for my man and told him so. I also told him that I hope when everything settles down, our marriage would be like how it was again. He gave me his word. That night we parted over the phone with renewed love for each other. I felt like my insides were glowing. The tender feelings of love for my husband once again settled itself over my newly mended heart.
There is a lesson to be learnt here. It is well and good to serve our husbands with a sense of duty but as a woman we want to do it out of love and affection for our husband. I learnt the hard way that it is of no good to me to let the unaired grievances to fester inside of me. I do need to choose my battles wisely but it is also vital to communicate how I feel when something is obviously bothering me. It is important too that the communication be done in a trustful and respectful manner, free from blame and resentment. For me personally, writing my feelings out in my journal helps me pinpoint the problems so that I can communicate to my husband directly without having to go on a painful merry-go-round ride in order to get to the root cause. Writing in my journal also helps me drain away the resentment and anger that I was experiencing leaving me clear-headed enough to clarify my feelings to my husband in a language he can emphatize with.
I have a long way to go though, to become the Virtuous Wife to my beloved husband. Pray for me, will you?
