The Way of Motherhood

It all began when my baby's incessant demands left me bone weary, to the point that even my ever-patient mother was on the verge of throwing in the towel. Bewildered over my son's apparently 'bad behaviour', I couldn't make head nor tails regarding his growing dependence upon us. After all, he's already hit is one year mark and so to my reasoning he should become more independent by now. Unbidden, images of 'spoiling him' started to haunt me and I began to doubt the attachment parenting mode I have adopted ever since I gave birth to Ali. It didn't help that DH made a cutting I-told-you-so remark about how I should have left Ali to cry it out instead of instantly going to him at the first sign of a whimper.

Feeling helpless, I reached for one of those baby training books I've tried to resist the past year. While I cannot agree to all that she suggests, Gina Ford does have a valid point. In her book 'The Contented Toddler', she writes, "Once they pass their first birthday and enter toddlerhood, the majority of babies become more demanding and need much more attention. Although they are striving towards independence physically, mentally and emotionally they go through a stage where they need a lot more reassurance and attention." It makes a lot of sense to me. My baby is torn between staying inside the comfort and safety zone of his mother and the insatiable desire to explore the adventures of the world unknown. Poor baby! Ambivalence is an emotional state very familiar to me. One example is of me being a parent. In all honesty, I love being a parent but on the other hand I miss the freedom of being footloose and fancy free, unencumbered with the responsibilities that motherhood entails.

But any semblance of ambivalence Alipuddin' feels towards his independence is thrown out of the window the moment he is taken out on a trip with us. His whole demeanour lights up like a blossoming chrysanthemum the moment we head out of doors. More than once I would see him crawl up to strangers in bookstores, flashing his dimpled smiles at them. It is not uncommon to see one beleaguered parent (me) chasing after a toddler in the children's section of a bookstore! It has to be said that Ali is most at home among crowds of people. During a gathering at a friend's place a couple of days ago, Ali could not resist crawling into the lap of an unsuspecting guest! Masha'Allah! Maybe he is just blessed with such an open and friendly temperament but I'd also like to believe that it is our approach to parenting which has nurtured his sense of trust in the people around him.

As Alipuddin' hurtles headlong into the realm of toddlerhood, it began to dawn on me that I cannot simply put him down on the floor and expect him to happily occupy himself with the few toys and knick knacks tossed along his way. It just doesn't work that way with him. Taking a cue from the book, I decided to incorporate some sort of structure to my go-with-the-flow style of parenting. I hope that by lending some predictability to his days, Ali's tendency to fuss would lessen. By organising some activity in between his meals and nap time, be it it a trip to the park, or time spent with him just rolling around on the bed, I surely hope this routine would effectively work off some of his energy while giving him the reassurance and attention he sorely needs at this stage of life. It's common sense really. My baby needs me. It's just that I need someone to kick me in the head yet again to drive that point home.

Praise be to God, so far, it's working like a charm, although it does require a great deal of work on my part. Instead of getting caught up with completing my chores and tending my personal projects, I decide to 'let him have me for the day'. I have to tell myself repeatedly that I will have time for myself once more, perhaps during his nap time, or at night while he slumbers in dreamland, and more completely when my baby decides he is finally ready to become more independent. After all, as experienced parents are often wont to say, these moments will be over all too soon. And I intend to do as Thoreau do and "live deep and suck all the marrow of life" when it comes to motherhood.

Julia Cameron, author of 'The Artist's Way' reminds me that "Frustrations and rewards exist at all levels on the path." To borrow the same analogy, the Way of Motherhood means traveling continuously upward on a spiral path. More than once, I have to circle the same issues over and over again but always I end up on a different level after gaining a few gold nuggets of wisdom along the way.

"Or do you think that you shall enter the Garden (of Bliss) without such (trials) as came to those who came before you? They encountered suffering and adversity, and were so shaken in spirit that even the Messenger and those in faith who were with him cried: 'When (will come) the help of God?' Ah! Verily, the help of God is always near!" Surah Al Baqarah (2:214)